The Picture of Health

So now that I’m a public health professional, I’m supposed to set an example for others. For my own sake, I am making a list of ways I already exemplify the picture of health vs. the ways in which I could probably improve.

So, here we go, a list of what I already do perfectly:

I work out.

I eat healthy.

I use skim milk.

I eat wheat bread.

Okay, phew, I’m exhausted.


Now here are the areas that may need some improvement:


For those members of the commonwealth that are overweight or obese, we suggest 60 minutes of physical activity 5 times a week. When I'm at my best, I get in 3 workouts a week.

When I am not eating healthy, I am most likely binging.

I only use skim milk for cereal. I never eat cereal.

I do not, and cannot begin to imagine that I ever would, carry around a Nalgene bottle full of water, to drink at my leisure. In fact, I only drink water when I realize I am literally DYING OF THIRST, or to avoid an awkward conversation with someone I barely know who’s also standing in the small kitchen room at work.

Take the stairs instead. Such simple advice. Do you know how hard it is to take 4 flights of stairs and not be out of breath? And the ceilings are really high at work, making for extra tall staircases. Just so you know.

Who in their right mind gets in 5 servings of vegetables and fruits a day? I’ve been stuffing my face with fruit lately just to reach my quota, and go home with an undigested lump in my throat on an almost daily basis. The other night I threw up in my mouth after I burped three different times. So not only am I the perfect picture of health, I’m sexy too.

Speaking of fruit, I love eating fruit you don’t have to wash. Like bananas. I never wash other fruit, but at least with a banana there’s no guilt.

You can go f yourself if you think I’m going to say “no bread” to the guy behind the Cosi counter.

And speaking of going somewhere to f yourself, I'm not going to eat a quarter of my cupcake we're having to celebrate a co-workers birthday. I will eat my whole cupcake, plus the 3/4 left over from yours.

Whole grain pasta. um. I don't wanna.

Celery as a snack. Also a no. And if you sit near me on this quiet floor and think it’s a good idea to snack on celery, ...it isn't.

A handful of nuts is a healthy snack. And if by “handful” we mean “as many nuts you can stuff your face with so you become as nauscious as possible without actually vomiting”, then at least I’m doing SOMEthing right.

The last time I ordered grilled chicken and a salad while I was out to eat was when I was 25 pounds heavier and desperate to lose weight. So, I think it's fair to tell myself that ordering grilled chicken and salad will make me fatter.


In summary, ...I am gross and have no business working here.