Sent from my Blackberry

Okay this is the worst thing ever. Who the heck was I kidding thinking I needed a smartphone? Not only was it a painful experience going to the store with BOTH my parents to pick out our new phones (yeah I'm still on a family plan NBD) but I was ill-prepared for this adventure.

Up until last night, the only concern I had about a purchase like this was that I would become one of those annoying self-absorbed young professionals wiith my face constantly buried in my big fancy phone.

Clearly I don't have to worry about that since I can't figure out how to use this god damn thing. Does everyone have a rough adjustment or am I special? Like really, what is MMS v. SSM v. BBM? Are those even the right abbreviations? I can't find out because if I click out of this browser right now I know I'll never be able to find my way back.

Last night , ugh my fingers and wrist are already completely exhausted I need a break. Brbm.

When I went to buy the phone last ngiht, I thought it would be a good idea to play with the blackberries while the sales guy was helping another customer. As soon as I picked it up, all I could do was stare at it because I couldn't make anything happen. How was I supposed to know that the tiny little square in the middle was a touchscreen mouse? I just kept hitting it and waiting. Then I looked around and became aware of just how technologically incompetent I looked. I mean really, I might as well have just brought Nana with me to help figure it out, I was that clueless.

To make matters worse, I was with my parents, who had even less of a clue. Between the one thousand questions they asked, the same ones over and over, about the plans, insurance, phones, costs, etc. it was almost unbearable. Then in a loud voice, my dad turned to me and asked, "now Lani, instead of a blackberry, have you thought about one of those smartphones?" I was so embarrassed. Not because my dad didn't know that a blackberry is a smartphone, but because I myself didn't know if a blackberry was a smartphone. So I literally brought my voice down to a whisper and said, "I...I think these are smartphones, Dad." I guessed right.

A big reason I bought this dumb phone is so I could start blogging during my commute instead of letting it cut into other parts of my life. But I had to finish typing this on my computer because I just couldn't get it to work. So, I guess my point is... I feel old. And stupid. And instead of judging fellow smartphoners for being obsessed with their phones I now have a new found respect for each one of you.

It'll be shortlived though.

My Pretty Doctor

I had an experience a few months back that made me really uncomfortable with myself. And the only reason I dare to post it is to show you readers how committed I am to being honest and open with you. Even though I'm stuck at 58 followers.

I scheduled a regular appointment at- oh, I forgot a warning. Boys, this one probably isn't for you- Anyway, I showed up for my yearly appointment with my OBGYN. Now I realize I could write a post about the joys of a standard gynecology appointment, but that would almost be too easy. Instead I will tell a story. I go to a women's clinic on the South Shore, so each time I show up I'm not sure who I'll get for a doctor. So I waited around patiently in my johnny gown.

As I'm sitting there, fighting with myself on whether or not I want to start squeezing the blood pressure equipment hanging next to me, in walks an angel. Seriously, she was the most beautiful, young, tall, thin, blond woman I'd ever seen with curly whispy hair and a dress that went all the way down to the floor: my "midwife", she said. Not only was she beautiful, she was funny. Like hilarious and awesome. She asked me all sorts of questions trying to get to know me and my medical history, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted her to like me and how I wanted to be friends! It was the most pathetic thing ever. We talked normal about everything, especially my boyfriend just in case she was getting the wrong vibe from me.

I hate when they ask me how many sexual partners I've been with, or anything having to do with sleeping around. I get a judgemental look or tone every single time. But while I was struggling to come up with my number, she said, "oh don't worry about it, just guess, I can't even tell you how many I've had." I love you, you are so cool.

It was at this point that I started to get uncomfortable. This woman who I thought I was becoming best friends with, and probably had what some might call a tiny platonic (I think) crush on her, had to then give me an exam. ...It was awful having her down there! I felt fat, ugly, gross and embarrassed. Why did this interaction have to take a turn down this awkward road?

And then I outdid myself. I have an overactive inner voice. The things I say in my head are insane and neverending. And sometimes theyre gross and I get mad at myself for even letting me think them! (especially if angels/ghosts can hear my thoughts... aahahaha...i'm serious). So she was done down below and then gave me a breast exam. These are awful anyway, since you're laying flat on your back with one arm raised while another woman puts her hands all over your boob, yuck. But for ONE second, I let myself say to myself, "...If I were ever gay, this is what it would probably be like to be with another girl". AND THEN I WANTED TO THROW UP BECAUSE I AM THE BIGGEST WEIRDEST CREEP EVER AND I HATED EVERY SECOND FROM THAT POINT ON.

GOODBYE IM DONE BLOGGING FOREVER.

I did schedule my next appointment with her though. BYE FOR REALS I MEAN IT.

Someday...

I've come along way. As someone who once was too embarrassed to make consistent eye contact with people she talked to, I've conquered many fears and gotten rid of a lot of quirks. But there are still hurtles that I wish to someday soar above. Here are just a few.


Like, someday, I will order an ice cream cone by myself, and eat it, by myself.

Someday I will not feel the need to make a statement out loud about the fact that I've eaten my entire meal, or that I'm about to go in for seconds...

Somday, I will respond to all compliments with a simple thank you, and nothing else.

One of these days, I'm going to learn how to pose for a picture by myself.

Someday, when a waitress says, "good job!" or "I'm proud of you!" after seeing how much of my meal I finished, I 'll slam my fork in her hand and yell in a man voice I'M NOT DONE YET

If a bus takes off, someday I'll chase it down.

Someday while I'm singing happy birthday to coworkers, I will not whisper when we reach the high "BIRTH" note in the 3rd verse.

Someday I will tell a bitch to shut up.

And someday, I'll tell an asshole to eat shit.

Someday, soon, I will not beg for the lights to be turned off.

I hope someday I'll fearlessly walk over to use the weights at the gym no matter how many guys are over there using them.

When someone asks, "do you mind?", someday I will.

One day, I'll limit myself to one bertucci's roll. Maybe one and a half.

Someday I will swim in a pool by myself without fearing that a shark will appear.

And someday, I'll write a blog that doesn't talk about food or weight.

NAHT.

Words I hate

There are lots of words I hate to use, hate to hear, hate to think about. Either because I can't pronounce them, because I still don't know what they mean, because people are annoying when they say them, because they are big words that only dumb people use, or because they just flat out embarrass me. So, I thought I'd make a list of the ones that make me cringe, and if you have any you'd like to add, please do.

Moist
Pussycat
Quid Pro Quo
Armpit
Boogie
Panties
Clusterf*ck
Puberty
Romantic, when used as a noun
Kitschy
Succulent
Discharge
Persay
Whore, when said by girls
Dookie
Fab and/or Fabulous
Eastbumf*ck
Flabbergasted
Creamy
C*nt, obv
Quite
Conundrum
Kick-Ass
Peepee

...k thanks everyone.

Let me be your...

Wingwoman. Or don't. Because I'm really bad at it.

Being single and on the lookout is a lot of fun. Being a wingwoman is not fun, especially when you're me. I don't know where to draw the line. I end up pushing my friends too hard, or talking too much to the guy and making him think I'm interested in him rather than my friends.


What kind of wingwoman repeatedly tells a guy that her friend has already DENIED that he should keep trying to ask her out because she probably really likes him.

When I want to encourage friends to talk to a cute guy, instead of giving them a good line or helping them maneuver our way over, I just point and yell, "YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO HIM RIGHT NOW. PUT THAT DOWN, AND GO." Poor things, something snaps in me and for the only time ever I become assertive and borderline intimidating.

In order to master the role of a wingwoman, I think a good place to start would be to pay attention to men, who have been practicing the role of wingman for what seems much longer. I'm so sick of hearing how honorable guys think it is to entertain an uglier/fatter friend of his buddy's target. Guess what, our girl friends meet guys with GROSS friends that we have to deal with too! So, instead of being mad at our friend for making us talk to the ugly/lame boy, I guess we can actually learn from our male counterparts. I think one of the keys is making good small talk. Bad news for me, since I stink at it.

One thing I am good at is making people think I like them, even when I really, really, ...really don't. So I'll start using that to my advantage.

But then there's always this really scary thought that pops into my head: What if my target thinks he's wingman-ing ME? Oh the thought of being the wingman's target, or the main target's uglier friend horrifies me!! I'd rather go dance by myself than have someone babysit me a.k.a. prevent me from cockblocking. Which, by the way, I don't think should be a term exclusively used by men. Women can cockblocked too, we just need a more feminine term for it.

Something that shows how we've been prevented from hooking up. We haven't been cockblocked, we've been:

(your suggestions here)...


I will take the best and we can vote for a winner, who will win an awesome prize. ...Really awesome. Get to it, our wingwomen are depending on you...

The Old Stink Eye

There are many things I wish I was better at: Breakdancing, funnelling maybe, and remembering the words to songs. But what I really need to master is how to give a good, nasty mean look when I want to send a message to strangers that I don't like them.

Like when guys (...or girls) sit down on the T and don't give their seat up for the elderly or pregnant women. Or when I say "excuse me" to someone standing or sitting on theT and they don't budge so I have to squeeeeze by. The proper and most obvious reaction would be to say, again, "EXCUSE ME, can I please get by you?", when in fact it wouldn't be to give a single-syllabul laugh to yourself outloud and then keep your head down as you pass by.


Or when someone is talking loud in the library. Or eating something too loud. Or chewing gum with their mouth open. Again, easy fix. "Hey, do you mind keeping it down?" I am always so jealous when I hear people speak up and say something like that, how empowering!! Instead, I glare at them. ...and then as soon as they see me I turn my head away quicker than they can even decide whether or not I was actually looking at them.

Or someone kicking the back of my chair at the movies. The best response would be for me to turn around and either a) glare at them, or b) say something along the lines of, "can you stop kicking the chair? thanks." Although that might result in things being thrown in my hair, a childhood fear of mine I'm sure you're all aware of. However, one of the weaker responses, and the response I seem to be the most fond of, is a quick half-turn of my head in the direction of where that person is sitting but not enough to actually be able to look directly at them, a pause, and then I rotate my head back in the direction of the movie screen. Not effective.

It seems lately I am becoming more and more bitter, angrier and angrier over small things that random people do. I know I'm getting closer to the point where I might actually say something. I just need to have a few sayings that are ready to roll off my tongue, as I know I won't be good under pressure. I'm also sure that when I finally do decide to speak up, I will speak up to the wrong person and get either my face or my pride handed to me in front of a very large audience.

Suggestions/Recommendations are welcome.