Wake up.
This is the day. TODAY I start. No sugar, no breads. There is NO reason for me to eat them! I can do this! Other people do this every day of their life. Why not me? Why wouldn't I want to look amazing too? I can do this!
Step on scale. Okay, haven't seen this weight in a very long time. Not gonna cry. Get a good look because you'll NEVER see this number again!
Doesn't fit. Looks horrible. I won't be able to wear this for at least another 10 pounds. This still has the f*ing tags on it, haven't even come close to fitting in this. Yup, I am doing this, starting today. Leggings, loose sweater, go.
Order my coffee. Peeps on a donut? Nice try, peeps. Not today. Not any day.
...well maybe some day, but definitely not today.
Two hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I'm killing it. Feeling great. So, I started today. I can lose 2 lbs a week. That means by May 6th I can be down 8 pounds. By June 7, I can be down 16 pounds. 16 pounds, EASY. Doing it.
Why do I smell waffles? No big deal, I gots me some grapes for a snack.
What the hell am I going to wear to the shower this weekend? If I have to wear leggings and my sweater to one more stupid event I'm gonna hurl myself out a window. Have. to. find. something. ...cheap. Have to find something cheap. I can prob lose 5 pounds by the weekend if I'm really good and at least my face will look thinner for pictures.
Seriously who brings waffles to work.
How is it only 11:15?!?! Whatever, I'll just have my afternoon orange now. I can eat lunch a little later and then I won't need an afternoon snack.
MOST UN-FILLING LUNCH EVER. I AM SCREWED.
Okay calm down. Lots of girls let themselves feel hungry in between meals. You're not dying. Drink some water.
I freaking hate drinking water.
I should start bringing sneakers to work so I can go for a run while I'm here.
I'll never do that. Plus we're paying $200 for a gym membership. Must. get. to. gym.
There's leftover cake in the kitchen? Why did you tell me that? Thank you for telling me that. I'm ...I might. I, no....NOPE. Good for me. I am awesome! Refusing cake! Who am I??
Oh my god. HELLO! I'm getting a diet coke! It's DIET COKE TIME! Best snack ever!
Is the cake still there?
Stop it. Just stop it. You don't fit into pants. But I just love cake so stinkin much. Like, why do I love cake SO much? Now all I can think about is cake. I can't even hear the word "birthday" without starting to think about cake. What is WRONG with me?! Doesn't matter because I'm doing something about it.
The cake is gone? SHIT. I mean, PHEW. Shit, but phew.
Thank God, time to go home. Grabbed 2 bite size peanut butter cups from the office by the stairwell because no one was around. WHY. WHY DID I JUST EAT THAT? I just ruined my whole day in two seconds. My whole god damn day.
No I didn't. That was like, 100 calories at best. Get over it, people. Not a big deal. I can eat a little sugar.
I didn't plan dinner. Am I kidding? How did I not plan dinner for my first day of dieting.
Hubs just offered to bring home a pizza. Ugh...no. No, we can't. But I'm so stinkin tired and so stinkin hungry. Do you want me to defrost some chicken? Please say no.
Okay. Cheese please. I am seriously the worst.
I'm only going to have two slices.
How did I just let myself have 4 slices.
9:00. Baby's in bed. I need something sweet or I'm gonna die. I already screwed up my day anyway. Handfuls of white choc chips in the closet. Barely a snack at all.
Seriously? I'm literally chewing chocolate 7 minutes before I put myself to bed. I am so gross. Brushing teeth - officially done.
I can't believe I did this again. I am gonna be fat forever.
...tomorrow I'm going to have a perfect day.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Breastfeeding: Are you kidding me
So hi, I'm back. I'm a mom now.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get into it. Obviously, I was unprepared for tons for things before this little bugger came along.
For one, I was unprepared for him to be a boy. That's another blog.
Secondly, I was unprepared for how hard it would be to eat healthy/work out after he came, despite not living under a rock.
And, among many other unexpected things, I was unprepared for how much BREASTFEEDING CAN SUCK. There, I said it!!
Howwww could the women who came before me not prepare me for this?! In the beginning, having to pump after every feeding to help the milk come in...are you kidding me...at 1:00am, 3:30am, 5:30am...and all you want to do is cry. But you can't cry, that cuts into sleep time.
Then the pain. OH, the pain. The kind of pain where, when your baby latches on and your supporting his head delicately, it takes everything in you to keep yourself from SQUEEZING the little life out of it. To make things worse, baby's actually chomp. Like growl and CHOMP like a dinasour when they're trying to latch on. Sometimes, by mistake, you get so scared you back away and they chomp on air. It's the saddest, scariest, funniest thing you'll ever see.
But anyway, back to the pain. Couldn't sleep, couldn't hug my husband, couldn't walk around or sit with a shirt or bra on for the first 2 months. That's right, just let them hang out all day, with maternity pants pulled up right under them. Makes for an interesting moment when you forget, and try to let a trapped fly out the front door in the middle of the day.
Then blocked ducts start to appear - painful, hard, huge lumps you have to apply warm compresses to and massage all day. Then scabbing and cracking. That's right, cracking. Nothing gets you feeling faint quicker than looking down and seeing blood. Then, for lucky me, eczema. Like, are you kidding me. Persistent, PAINFUL eczema on one side that you can't get rid of, so you have to nurse the baby on one side, then go and pump the other side afterwards. All day, and all night. And don't forget the milk blisters that absolutely kill. And then the milk blisters cause more blocked ducts and lower your supply, so you have to constantly pump in between 2 hour feedings. Oh, and they caused mastitis - awful pain, flu-like symptoms and a fever - so that was a fun, too.
In the beginning, before I had to take my poor little 4 week old to have his tongue-tie and lip-tie corrected using a laser procedure, we needed a nipple shield. Position shield just right. Try to position baby on just right. Baby knocks it off. Cries out of hunger. Pick it up, go wash it again, put it back on, baby knocks it off, cries out of hunger. Repeat 4 more times before actual nursing can begin.
And on top of it, Joey was NOT one for breastfeeding in public. On and off, on again, off again, crying, kicking, grunting, moaning, off, on, off, on. I look longingly at other mothers quietly bfeeding under those cute covers in public, using only one arm, looking around casually as if nothing is taking place under that blanket. For us, those covers were a joke. I needed two hands, a stool, and a huge range of space for us both to get it right.
But, at least breastfeeding helps you lose weight. Just kidding. This is me we're talking about. I have never been grosser, and after dropping 30 lbs in the first two weeks (I was so scared/shocked I couldn't eat... for the first time in my life), I haven't lost an ounce. AN OUNCE.
Oh my god...just writing this all out is making me wonder if this is all even worth it???
Yes, yes it is.
Because it's also the best thing I've ever experienced. When there's been no pain, it's the most special thing in the world and I get to do it all day long with the most special person in the world. I'll never, ever forget it, and will always appreciate every second - even the worst of it.
So, as I'm wrapping up here, let me clarify. This is not an anti-breastfeeding post. I am VERY pro-breastfeeding. It is so awesome, in so many ways. I want to videotape it sometimes because he's so funny and cute, and then I snap out of it and realize I'm talking about videotaping my son breastfeeding.
Most others probably have had an easier time than me, and for most, the pain goes away after the first month. So, maybe you'll be lucky and cruise right through. I'm just saying, be prepared for this to be the hardest thing you've ever done. It might make the start-up a little easier.
The end!
Now that that's out of the way, let's get into it. Obviously, I was unprepared for tons for things before this little bugger came along.
For one, I was unprepared for him to be a boy. That's another blog.
Secondly, I was unprepared for how hard it would be to eat healthy/work out after he came, despite not living under a rock.
And, among many other unexpected things, I was unprepared for how much BREASTFEEDING CAN SUCK. There, I said it!!
Howwww could the women who came before me not prepare me for this?! In the beginning, having to pump after every feeding to help the milk come in...are you kidding me...at 1:00am, 3:30am, 5:30am...and all you want to do is cry. But you can't cry, that cuts into sleep time.
Then the pain. OH, the pain. The kind of pain where, when your baby latches on and your supporting his head delicately, it takes everything in you to keep yourself from SQUEEZING the little life out of it. To make things worse, baby's actually chomp. Like growl and CHOMP like a dinasour when they're trying to latch on. Sometimes, by mistake, you get so scared you back away and they chomp on air. It's the saddest, scariest, funniest thing you'll ever see.
But anyway, back to the pain. Couldn't sleep, couldn't hug my husband, couldn't walk around or sit with a shirt or bra on for the first 2 months. That's right, just let them hang out all day, with maternity pants pulled up right under them. Makes for an interesting moment when you forget, and try to let a trapped fly out the front door in the middle of the day.
Then blocked ducts start to appear - painful, hard, huge lumps you have to apply warm compresses to and massage all day. Then scabbing and cracking. That's right, cracking. Nothing gets you feeling faint quicker than looking down and seeing blood. Then, for lucky me, eczema. Like, are you kidding me. Persistent, PAINFUL eczema on one side that you can't get rid of, so you have to nurse the baby on one side, then go and pump the other side afterwards. All day, and all night. And don't forget the milk blisters that absolutely kill. And then the milk blisters cause more blocked ducts and lower your supply, so you have to constantly pump in between 2 hour feedings. Oh, and they caused mastitis - awful pain, flu-like symptoms and a fever - so that was a fun, too.
In the beginning, before I had to take my poor little 4 week old to have his tongue-tie and lip-tie corrected using a laser procedure, we needed a nipple shield. Position shield just right. Try to position baby on just right. Baby knocks it off. Cries out of hunger. Pick it up, go wash it again, put it back on, baby knocks it off, cries out of hunger. Repeat 4 more times before actual nursing can begin.
And on top of it, Joey was NOT one for breastfeeding in public. On and off, on again, off again, crying, kicking, grunting, moaning, off, on, off, on. I look longingly at other mothers quietly bfeeding under those cute covers in public, using only one arm, looking around casually as if nothing is taking place under that blanket. For us, those covers were a joke. I needed two hands, a stool, and a huge range of space for us both to get it right.
But, at least breastfeeding helps you lose weight. Just kidding. This is me we're talking about. I have never been grosser, and after dropping 30 lbs in the first two weeks (I was so scared/shocked I couldn't eat... for the first time in my life), I haven't lost an ounce. AN OUNCE.
Oh my god...just writing this all out is making me wonder if this is all even worth it???
Yes, yes it is.
Because it's also the best thing I've ever experienced. When there's been no pain, it's the most special thing in the world and I get to do it all day long with the most special person in the world. I'll never, ever forget it, and will always appreciate every second - even the worst of it.
So, as I'm wrapping up here, let me clarify. This is not an anti-breastfeeding post. I am VERY pro-breastfeeding. It is so awesome, in so many ways. I want to videotape it sometimes because he's so funny and cute, and then I snap out of it and realize I'm talking about videotaping my son breastfeeding.
Most others probably have had an easier time than me, and for most, the pain goes away after the first month. So, maybe you'll be lucky and cruise right through. I'm just saying, be prepared for this to be the hardest thing you've ever done. It might make the start-up a little easier.
The end!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Elevator Ride that wasn't.
Every morning, I take an elevator up to the 4th floor at work.
They are really tall stair cases, okay?
And fifty percent of the time, I have to run to catch the doors before they close. And don't for one second think that means I yell something like "Hold that door!" because I would rather die than yelling something like that and then have elevator riders see my wild eyes running towards them as the door closes in front of my face.
No, instead I stick my foot in, the elevator senses my foot, and the doors open! Works every time.
Well not every time. Specifically not the time I forgot to stick my foot in and instead stuck my hand in casually, like I owned the place. What I didn't realize is that elevators don't recognize hands (probably because mine is so small and dainty and perfect) as it does feet. What I also didn't realize was that I was holding my coffee.
Doors closes, hand is smooshed, coffee is crushed and then spilled. And then doors open to a bewildered group of elevator passengers. I mumble oh my god. Doors close.
Hello Wednesday!
They are really tall stair cases, okay?
And fifty percent of the time, I have to run to catch the doors before they close. And don't for one second think that means I yell something like "Hold that door!" because I would rather die than yelling something like that and then have elevator riders see my wild eyes running towards them as the door closes in front of my face.
No, instead I stick my foot in, the elevator senses my foot, and the doors open! Works every time.
Well not every time. Specifically not the time I forgot to stick my foot in and instead stuck my hand in casually, like I owned the place. What I didn't realize is that elevators don't recognize hands (probably because mine is so small and dainty and perfect) as it does feet. What I also didn't realize was that I was holding my coffee.
Doors closes, hand is smooshed, coffee is crushed and then spilled. And then doors open to a bewildered group of elevator passengers. I mumble oh my god. Doors close.
Hello Wednesday!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Honeymooners Not Welcome
Our honeymoon is booked! We're going to St. Lucia and staying at a Sandals resort. I can get over the cheesy Sandals logos if it means no kids and families running around. What it also means, however, is that this Sandals is honeymoon central. I can't help but be worried that my biggest vacation fear (besides being eaten by a shark) might become a reality...
Making vacation friends.
UGH the thought of having to make friends on vacation makes me cringe. I barely have friends at home, so I definitely don't want them on our honeymoon! That said, we're going for 10 days. Maybe my husband will want to be hanging out with other people? Maybe he'll think its boring to go to a bar or club and only be with ourselves? Not me. Thats how I'd live the rest of my life if I could: on our bed, watching TV, alone. With some yellow peeps. Plus, chances are the other couple will consist of a girl who looks better in a bikini, and I will NOT voluntarily stand close enough to her for a pro-longed comparison.
Making vacation friends.
UGH the thought of having to make friends on vacation makes me cringe. I barely have friends at home, so I definitely don't want them on our honeymoon! That said, we're going for 10 days. Maybe my husband will want to be hanging out with other people? Maybe he'll think its boring to go to a bar or club and only be with ourselves? Not me. Thats how I'd live the rest of my life if I could: on our bed, watching TV, alone. With some yellow peeps. Plus, chances are the other couple will consist of a girl who looks better in a bikini, and I will NOT voluntarily stand close enough to her for a pro-longed comparison.
Its just like going to a Japanese restaurant. Love the food, hate the company. Do you know what's worse than having to make friends in a Japanese restaurant or on a vacation? Making friends in a Japanese restaurant on your vacation! Which is what we'll be doing at "Kimonos." My fiance is not great at saying "no" to people, and I'm not great at making a bitchy-face (except when I'm at weddings where I don't know anybody and I feel uncomfortable, apparently).
But I am DETERMINED not to make friends, and will make whatever face I have to for the entire 10 days to make sure that does not happen. And if the stink eye doesn't work, I'm not above using the clown.
But I am DETERMINED not to make friends, and will make whatever face I have to for the entire 10 days to make sure that does not happen. And if the stink eye doesn't work, I'm not above using the clown.
(Picture was taken in Aruba. We did not make any friends in Aruba.)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Peep Season
I think I need to start blogging for the sole reason that I am heavier than ever and have a wedding in six months. Six months!!! Like hi if your own wedding doesnt make you kick it into gear, ...then...well then I'm in trouble I guess.
Plus, I don't know how many more times I can start off a Monday morning by exclaiming, "I start my wedding diet today!" before everyone just rolls their eyes and helps me finish the sentence. Last week I really thought I got it together, and on Wednesday I had my first perfect eating day: no breads, no added sugar, no fake sugar (with the exception of one teeny weeny Equal in my coffee), and all lean protein, fruits and veggies: Boom!
Then JR came home with peeps and it was all over. And it wasn't one of those 5 peep-packages...it was more like the 12-peep version. I kept saying "JR hurry up and start eating some before I eat them all." He kept ignoring me, and then finally looked at the package and said "well, jesus!..." and started eating a few despite his not being hungry to keep me from eating them all. Not only did I ruin my perfect day and lose some of my motivation, I also managed to totally gross out my fiance.
Wedding diet fail. Start again today? Ready go.
Plus, I don't know how many more times I can start off a Monday morning by exclaiming, "I start my wedding diet today!" before everyone just rolls their eyes and helps me finish the sentence. Last week I really thought I got it together, and on Wednesday I had my first perfect eating day: no breads, no added sugar, no fake sugar (with the exception of one teeny weeny Equal in my coffee), and all lean protein, fruits and veggies: Boom!
Then JR came home with peeps and it was all over. And it wasn't one of those 5 peep-packages...it was more like the 12-peep version. I kept saying "JR hurry up and start eating some before I eat them all." He kept ignoring me, and then finally looked at the package and said "well, jesus!..." and started eating a few despite his not being hungry to keep me from eating them all. Not only did I ruin my perfect day and lose some of my motivation, I also managed to totally gross out my fiance.
Wedding diet fail. Start again today? Ready go.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My Tree is Bigger than Yours
Went over my guest list today...WHEN did I get so many family members? I think I have...actually I'll count right now...oh my god, 82 family members. 82!!! And I don't even know all of their last names - don't tell JR that, he'll make me cross them off.
So that leaves room on my half of the guest list for about 4 friends, at the most. Good thing I don't have many more than that to begin with.
Then there's JR, who has about 75,000 friends. Or 75, but whats the difference. Can I just call his friends, my friends? Because that would make me feel much better about my life.
We both keep saying things like, "WE need to take a look at the list to see who WE can cross off." Translation: "There is no way I'm letting you invite, her, her, him, and who the heck even is that." It's sooo easy to come up with people you'd cross off the other person's list! So we should probably steer clear from having that conversation if we want to still love each other at the end of all of this.
Which we will. I'm just wondering whether its worth spreading a rumor within my family that I'm gay. That way, there never was a wedding and they were never not invited. Here's hoping no relatives read this, or my gift pile will take a serious hit.
What is happening to me.
So that leaves room on my half of the guest list for about 4 friends, at the most. Good thing I don't have many more than that to begin with.
Then there's JR, who has about 75,000 friends. Or 75, but whats the difference. Can I just call his friends, my friends? Because that would make me feel much better about my life.
We both keep saying things like, "WE need to take a look at the list to see who WE can cross off." Translation: "There is no way I'm letting you invite, her, her, him, and who the heck even is that." It's sooo easy to come up with people you'd cross off the other person's list! So we should probably steer clear from having that conversation if we want to still love each other at the end of all of this.
Which we will. I'm just wondering whether its worth spreading a rumor within my family that I'm gay. That way, there never was a wedding and they were never not invited. Here's hoping no relatives read this, or my gift pile will take a serious hit.
What is happening to me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Letter to a 4th grader
Dear Little Lani,
Take a deep breath, and just relax. Things won't always be the way they are now...
You won't always hate your curly hair, and you won't always hate those hips that don't let you fit into the same size jeans as other girls. Boys won't always think of you as just a friend, and you won't always have to - or want to - wear Dad's XL t-shirts to school everyday. Someday, you will get taller and a little thinner, you'll learn to do your hair and put on makeup, and you'll teach yourself how to hold eye contact with the person you're talking to. Some boys will even start to think you're pretty.
Life is not as unfair as you think, you just have to be a little more patient than the girls around you. And when mum says that the popular girls will not always be the popular girls, you should believe her instead of rolling your eyes. And when dad says that lots of those cute boys (the ones you ache to kiss, but never will) will turn out to be losers, you should believe him too.
Blond girls don't get everything in life. Neither do the skinny ones. You'll find a man who loves that you're neither. And you won't always be taller than all the girls ...and boys. In fact, there will be some days when you'll even feel small.
You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you lie awake at night thinking about the boys you like, and how they'll never like you back? That feeling will go away someday. You don't have to lay in bed and beg God to make your crush like you, or to make you lose all your extra weight by the morning. He won't, and you'll wake up still being heavy. But it will be okay.
Because someday, a few years down the road, an amazing man will move into the house behind you. He will be smart, and strong, athletic, funny, and handsome. He will turn your world upside down - pushing your buttons, driving you crazy, making you laugh, helping you grow. He will do things for you that no boys ever did, or wanted to do, before. He will take care of you, and love you, like you never thought anyone would. You won't be able to imagine ever loving anyone else, because he'll be more than you ever dreamed of. And someday, he'll get down on his knee, and ask you to spend the rest of your life with him.
And when he's down on his knee, you'll think back to the little Lani, and all of the hours she spent praying, hiding, wishing, blaming, crying. And all of it will make sense. After the best two years of your life, when you're heart still jumps when you hear him come in the front door, you'll understand. Everything falls into place, and you are happy.
Take a deep breath, and just relax. Things won't always be the way they are now...
You won't always hate your curly hair, and you won't always hate those hips that don't let you fit into the same size jeans as other girls. Boys won't always think of you as just a friend, and you won't always have to - or want to - wear Dad's XL t-shirts to school everyday. Someday, you will get taller and a little thinner, you'll learn to do your hair and put on makeup, and you'll teach yourself how to hold eye contact with the person you're talking to. Some boys will even start to think you're pretty.
Life is not as unfair as you think, you just have to be a little more patient than the girls around you. And when mum says that the popular girls will not always be the popular girls, you should believe her instead of rolling your eyes. And when dad says that lots of those cute boys (the ones you ache to kiss, but never will) will turn out to be losers, you should believe him too.
Blond girls don't get everything in life. Neither do the skinny ones. You'll find a man who loves that you're neither. And you won't always be taller than all the girls ...and boys. In fact, there will be some days when you'll even feel small. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you lie awake at night thinking about the boys you like, and how they'll never like you back? That feeling will go away someday. You don't have to lay in bed and beg God to make your crush like you, or to make you lose all your extra weight by the morning. He won't, and you'll wake up still being heavy. But it will be okay.
Because someday, a few years down the road, an amazing man will move into the house behind you. He will be smart, and strong, athletic, funny, and handsome. He will turn your world upside down - pushing your buttons, driving you crazy, making you laugh, helping you grow. He will do things for you that no boys ever did, or wanted to do, before. He will take care of you, and love you, like you never thought anyone would. You won't be able to imagine ever loving anyone else, because he'll be more than you ever dreamed of. And someday, he'll get down on his knee, and ask you to spend the rest of your life with him.
And when he's down on his knee, you'll think back to the little Lani, and all of the hours she spent praying, hiding, wishing, blaming, crying. And all of it will make sense. After the best two years of your life, when you're heart still jumps when you hear him come in the front door, you'll understand. Everything falls into place, and you are happy.
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