My Pretty Doctor

I had an experience a few months back that made me really uncomfortable with myself. And the only reason I dare to post it is to show you readers how committed I am to being honest and open with you. Even though I'm stuck at 58 followers.

I scheduled a regular appointment at- oh, I forgot a warning. Boys, this one probably isn't for you- Anyway, I showed up for my yearly appointment with my OBGYN. Now I realize I could write a post about the joys of a standard gynecology appointment, but that would almost be too easy. Instead I will tell a story. I go to a women's clinic on the South Shore, so each time I show up I'm not sure who I'll get for a doctor. So I waited around patiently in my johnny gown.

As I'm sitting there, fighting with myself on whether or not I want to start squeezing the blood pressure equipment hanging next to me, in walks an angel. Seriously, she was the most beautiful, young, tall, thin, blond woman I'd ever seen with curly whispy hair and a dress that went all the way down to the floor: my "midwife", she said. Not only was she beautiful, she was funny. Like hilarious and awesome. She asked me all sorts of questions trying to get to know me and my medical history, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted her to like me and how I wanted to be friends! It was the most pathetic thing ever. We talked normal about everything, especially my boyfriend just in case she was getting the wrong vibe from me.

I hate when they ask me how many sexual partners I've been with, or anything having to do with sleeping around. I get a judgemental look or tone every single time. But while I was struggling to come up with my number, she said, "oh don't worry about it, just guess, I can't even tell you how many I've had." I love you, you are so cool.

It was at this point that I started to get uncomfortable. This woman who I thought I was becoming best friends with, and probably had what some might call a tiny platonic (I think) crush on her, had to then give me an exam. ...It was awful having her down there! I felt fat, ugly, gross and embarrassed. Why did this interaction have to take a turn down this awkward road?

And then I outdid myself. I have an overactive inner voice. The things I say in my head are insane and neverending. And sometimes theyre gross and I get mad at myself for even letting me think them! (especially if angels/ghosts can hear my thoughts... aahahaha...i'm serious). So she was done down below and then gave me a breast exam. These are awful anyway, since you're laying flat on your back with one arm raised while another woman puts her hands all over your boob, yuck. But for ONE second, I let myself say to myself, "...If I were ever gay, this is what it would probably be like to be with another girl". AND THEN I WANTED TO THROW UP BECAUSE I AM THE BIGGEST WEIRDEST CREEP EVER AND I HATED EVERY SECOND FROM THAT POINT ON.

GOODBYE IM DONE BLOGGING FOREVER.

I did schedule my next appointment with her though. BYE FOR REALS I MEAN IT.