Elementary Fears: The Bus

If you think I'm self conscious and neurotic now, the elementary school-me puts today-me to shame. I had worries, fears, and feelings of humiliation that stifled some of my childhood and felt, at times, paralyzing.

The school bus was one such issue. I was a walker. I lived right down the street from school, therefore never had a bus to catch. But my walk home also happened to be the same route some of the busses took home...which meant the bus would pass me while I was walking. No big deal, right? WRONG. At the time, this seemed like literally the most humiliating experience EVER. I was probably the North Elementary School's fastest walker, since I had so much practice beating it the hell out of there so I could get home before the bus with all my peers passed by. I was so afraid everyone would see me, and make fun of me. For what? God only knows. I was friends with most of these people, so this fear was 100% made-up on my part. I used to force my little brother to walk on the outside of me so he could "block" me from the kids on the bus. Too bad I was 5'4 in 6th grade, so that never worked out the way I had hoped.

Then there were other times that I would plan to go to a friend's house after school. But God have mercy on my soul if it was a friend who took an "early bus." Those busses were always lined up outside before the bell rang, just ready to take off and make kids chase them down the street. My bag was packed, my shoes were tied tight, and my heart was racing. RIIING. Boom. As soon as the bell rang, I turned into a machine. I was off in a panic, barrelling through the corridors completely unaware of my surroundngs. I'm not even sure I remembered to breathe as I'd be racing to the door, scurrying around to find the right bus, then finally, only as an afterthought, finding the person who's house I was going over. I was literally willing to show up to that person's house without them, as long as it didn't mean me having to chase the bus. One day we took off and one of the kids didn't make it, so he ran the bus down. Never, I thought, never in my life will I ever chase a bus down. I've stayed true to that.

Here's another sad scenario. Field trip bus rides. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN IF I HAVE TO SIT WITH ______ AGAIN I'LL KILL MYSELF. But then again, sitting with an annoying friend was better than sitting by myself. Oh how I would panic about being the loser sitting alone. Unfortunately, I was never aggressive or fast enough to ask my "cool" friends to be my bus seat partner, and would naturally sit with [insert annoying friend's name here]. So embarrassing!

Or how about sitting on the bus in front of guys. I was so sure they would throw things at the back of my head that I actually started to feel things hit me. God, I feel so bad for my little self right now! How did I manage did get good grades with all of this insane shtuff constantly on my brain. All I know is, it's a good thing I no longer worry about:

-catching a bus
-getting stuck hanging out with a loser
-being embarrassed

Jk, I do.