Oprah has done it again

So after watching a DVR recording of Oprah, my mother and I have both added a new book to our collection: Women Food and God. I'm sure a bunch of you have heard about it. Or not. I'm going to visit my boyfriend's parents this weekend, and thought I'd even pick up a copy for his mother as a mother's day gift. I called my mum to ask if she thought that was a nice idea, she yelled, "NO. LANI,THIS IS A BOOK FOR PEOPLE WITH AN OBSESSION WITH FOOD!"

Enter me.

The gist is how we never win when it comes to dieting and being obsessed with losing the same 10, 20, 30 lbs we've always been trying to lose. (Or the same 10, 20, 30 lbs we've lost and then gained and then lost and then gained). We miss out on all the small things, all the beautiful things, all the fun things in life when we're preoccupied with depriving ourselves, beating ourselves up for cheating, and hating ourselves and our bodies for "failing" and being overweight.

I am sick of feeling liek I've failed. I am sick of having every part of my day filled with thoughts about my body, my weight, my meals, other people's bodies, what other people think of my body, panicking over whether or not I'm going to eat a leftover slice of free pizza at work that day, and hating myself after I do.

I realized some time ago, after listening to my grandmother call herself fat for the 4 millionth time, that this was going to be a never-ending battle. A war I've waged against my self that I will fight in until the day I die. And honestly, I don't know if I have the energy for that. The author writes, "Failing is built into the weight game. There is no way to play it and win." I want to stop playing. I want to take myself out of this game and sit my butt on the bench where I can have a sliver of cherry pie and not only not care, but not feel the need to reach for more. "To be able to have one of something. One bowl, one piece, one bite."

And truthfully, we've all heard this before. Dieting doesn't work. Deprivation doesn't work. It's not about the food, blah blah blah.

But this is what got to me: "Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was - just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer - was enough? When you were enough - not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was." And I cried, because I want to wake up and be happy to enjoy another beautiful day. Not to be able to rush to the scale.

Basically, I'm being asked to stop dieting. To give up my crash atkin-like diets, and throw away my Weight Watchers points calculator and daily food journals. And I don't know if I can do it. Thinking in terms of dieting, and cheating on my diet, is all I know. But I know this works, it's been proven over and over and over. That if you learn to listen to your stomach, eat when and where other people can see you, sit down while you eat, and stop eating when you're full, the food loses its value and you're just left with filling your body only with what it wants, and needs. I'm sure a bunch of you think this sounds ridiculous. Like, wah, you get to eat whatever you want. But the challenge is being okay with that, not restricting calories afterwards, and not overdoing it. For me, this seems impossible.

But, I'm going to give this a try. I will follow the instructions of this book and commit myself to giving up dieting and enjoying my life and my body and my world just the way it is now. And what better way to start than to eat something I promised myself I wouldn't get until I was 5 lbs thinner...a cheddar bagel twist from Dunkin Donuts! Hahaha, lordy. So, I'm either about to change my life forever, or gain 100 lbs. If you see me back at a weight watchers meeting two months from now, do me a favor and don't bring this up.