Adventures of a Live-In Girlfriend: My Kitchen

I used to listen to certain friends tell me about their weekends and special nights with their boyfriends. One thing I've always been jealous of is couples cooking meals together. What a fun thing to do! Dancing around, sharing ingredients, bumping into each other playfully. That's how I pictured it.

But it has never worked out like that for me.

With my first real boyfriend, we were together when I was around 19 and 20. Needless to say, ...well maybe it is necessary to say, I had never really cooked anything besides scrambled eggs and spaghetti before. We got the chance to play house one weekend, so after asking my mother for very specific instructions on how to make chicken parm, everything from the breading to the sauce, I was ready to do this. While cooking the sauce, my ex leaned over and tasted it. "It needs more spices" he said, and started shaking in every spice within reach. My body temperature rose, and I was paralyzed with both anger and embarrassment. I wanted to scream "BACK. AWAY. FROM THE POT." This is supposed to be something I know how to do better, ME, not the boy. So we never did that again.

My last boyfriend pulled similar stunts. "Why are you cutting the peppers like that?" "Don't add that much salt." "Maybe you should add some more spices." This time, I couldn't keep it in. "Okayyy you're done here. Time for you to go sit on the couch and stay there until I'm done! " Unfortunately, this was a time when I was not only teaching myself to cook, but I was also obsessed with weight watchers. So, following the weight watchers recipes to a t, all my dishes came out stupid. But when the relationship isn't right, neither is cooking together.

So now here I am. The only woman of the home, and a man who shares it with me. Finally, I can cook a meal alongside the person I consider to be my best friend and the love of my life. Relationship chemistry = kitchen chemistry!

Except it doesn't. I am still an overbearing kitchen nazi- the only place in the world where I turn into the boss and can get nasty. ...And by nasty I just mean quiet. "See the trick is you have to cook the potatoes first" OH REALLY? HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE SMART ASS? "yes, lots of times." "OH." Darn. I hate not knowing best! And I hate when boys tell me what to do in the kitchen! As a former women's studies major, that should make me feel ashamed. But I can't help it...I want him and everyone else to think I'm a master of all foods and the perfect working-housewife/girlfriend, even though I'm not even close.

I should have known that love isn't enough to keep things civil in the kitchen. I have a mother who is an unbelievable cook. And a father who has recently discovered the cooking channel, and subsequently, his desire to cook. He now uses phrases like "just drizzle a little olive oil" and makes marinades out of ingredients like molasses. My mum has kept her cool when being told how to cook things she's cooked perfectly for over 35 years, but it all came to a head when the yellow squash she thought she was eating as part of a mixed vegetable side turned out to be lemon halves, because he likes to "wing it." So now we all know that lemons don't taste good with zuchini, onions, and peppers.

So like father like boyfriends. I always seem to date guys who reeeeally like to be involved with the cooking, but... this really isn't about them. It's about me. And apparently me = controlling & domestically insecure.

Darn it.