Animals: God's 4-legged jokes on me

Welp, here it is: I am not an animal lover.

Please don't show me pictures of your pets
I do not want to pet your dog
Don't let your cat sleep in the same room as me
Once, I got a fish, but then became afraid of it
It literally blows my mind I see someone let their dog lick their face and/or mouth
I think before all dogs are born, God tells them that if they are lucky, they will find the most magical place on earth. And when do they find that area in between Lani's legs, to never, ever leave it
I don't really feel bad when your pet goes to the vet, but I'll make a sad face
Animal hair on my coat is the single most disgusting thing ever
I was once humped by a dog, and was left with a white mess on my jeans. Thank you Cubby
I stayed up through the night once, not moving an inch, because Jessica's cat was in the room and she warned me he pounces on things that move
I have never won a stare-down with a cat. And never want to
When I see a dog pooping I dry heave
I have the world's worst act-like-you're-not-nervous-even-though-you're-horribly-petrified-right-now" look to give to big dogs. It does not fool them
Lady bugs don't make the cut, either
When I wrote out a list of qualities and characteristics my perfect man would have, "not liking/having pets" was one of them
I have, not once but twice, been joined in the bathroom stall by a seeing-eye dog who's owner doesn't quite know where it is. It's really hard to concentrate with a big dog resting his head against your ankles, just watching you...

Friends, do not hold this against me.