Food: Part 3

3. Foods that only some people look good eating.

At UConn, I remember leaving the dining hall with Maria as we walked behind a really cute friend of hers, who happened to be eating ice cream. Even as a very, end-of-the-spectrum straight female, I couldn't help notice how unbelievably cute this girl looked eating an ice cream cone. Then I couldn't help thinking that, put in that same role, I would have just looked fat, and probably sloppy. I mean who actually LICKS a cone? I bite. I thought that was normal, but after watching the UConn ice queen I realized I had to make a more conscious effort of controlling my neck and tongue movements. So, yes, eating ice cream can be hot, but only if you're hot.

Same with lollipops. Ever watch a cute girl eat a lollipop? Even I want to kiss her! Ever watch a gross person eat a lollipop? Nausea. How can one food do two horribly different things for two different types of people?

In fact, I was at Lucky's the other night and decided to go crazy and order my favorite drink: a dirty martini, yummo. In movies, all I ever see is a sexy woman eating an olive out of her dirty martini, and its prett much the hottest thing ever. But when I eat them, I just look hungry.

And I'm so sick of these commercials about women and chocolate and what an intimate, almost inapropriate, relationship the two have together. I do not slowly twirl around, moaning while I take a tiny piece of chocolate with an ever-so-dainty front-teeth bite. When I eat chocolate, I'm usually hiding somewhere, and biting big and fast so I can hurry up and get it over with, because after the chocolates gone is when I can start to diet again, ya know?